Many of those that know me, know about my bold stance against mayonnaise. It was already on the Ray Poole list of “worst two foods” but it has now risen to the status of “The Devil’s Condiment”.

But before I get into any new transgressions, let’s review the three reasons why it is so terrible.

1.       Its appearance is super gross.

2.       Its taste is super gross.

3.       Its texture is super gross. 

4.       Both its name and abbreviation “mayo” is super gross.

In addition to these irrefutable facts, it is the only sandwich component that is provided in generous quantities (and on both slices of bread) often when it is not ordered.

Despite my informed position on this gloppy excuse for a condiment, I have been unsuccessful in convincing my wife Rebecca that she should abandon it.

This brings me to its most recent and worst offense yet, getting Becca sick. Yesterday she made a sandwich with mayo that was past its expiration date ‘but just opened’. I would not have ‘approved’ but I also do not really have ‘authority’.  

Last night she started getting chills and nausea. Two blankets could not stop her teeth from chattering and her medication ondansetron (pronounced on-DANCE-a-tron) could not stop the nausea. She had no fever so we were not overly concerned. During the night, she vomited twice and our worry shifted to aspiration (vomit getting into her lungs).

I stopped up to check on her this morning and she was disoriented. It looked like a low blood sugar so I gave her some juice and grabbed a glucometer to test it. It was the lowest I had seen it, 26mmol/L…normally we target 80 – 130 mmol/L. A blood sugar in that range could trigger blackouts, seizures, or coma but fortunately it did not.

As it turned out, when we stopped her normal tube feeds last night because of the nausea, we forgot to change her insulin pump to an alternate program. Additionally, the vomiting pulled more of the sugar and nutrients from her system and her blood sugar levels went dangerously low.

We also found her oxygen levels and blood pressure out of whack.

A few juice boxes and a snickers bar resolved the blood sugar, a few more blankets and a winter hat resolved the chills, and her home health nurse confirmed that her lungs sounded good. Because of this trauma she requires some supplemental oxygen this morning but she will bounce back. She always does…Photo Feb 02, 12 29 14 PM

I could look at it as another terrible thing that happened but we certainly avoided the worst case.

We could blame ourselves for not remembering to change the pump program but we will use this experience to develop a better system moving forward.

In the end, I’ve decided to put the blame exactly where it belongs…on gross, disgusting mayonnaise, the devil’s condiment.